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|Wednesday, January 19th, 2011|
|is there anybody out there?
So I posted my first livejournal post in almost 9 years the other night. It's strange where time takes you. In my case, not physically far from where I started in this little online corner of the world. I live only about 10 miles from where I lived when I first stumbled onto this site. At that time I was a recent architect-to-be ex. Meaning I lost my job at the architecture firm I worked for, never to return to the field. At that time, I was in a relationship with my best friend who is now married to someone else. I, too, have since been married...and divorced. At that time, the World Trade Center still stood tall in Manhattan. There was no war in Afghanistan. No war in Iraq. Bush was barely beginning his first term. At that time I still had dreams of becoming a photographer. A writer.
Now? I'm managing a steakhouse, of all things. Oh, and at that time I still ate meat. I've been a vegetarian for almost a year. I know....ironic, with the job and all. I used to go to concerts, or 'shows' at least once a week. I knew every local band. Bought cds all the time at Good Records. Kept up with the 'trends' so to speak. I've probably bought 8 cds since I moved back from Portland in 2003. Yeah, I've got a decent iTunes collection now, but I mostly find myself purchasing the stuff I used to own on CD or tape, or vinyl, before it was stolen, broken, lost, or melted to the dash of my car.
A few constants that remain? I still love doing the New York Times Crossword. The New Amsterdam Coffeehaus is still around, and I still go there occasionally, but the name and concept have changed. It's now the Amsterdam Bar. No coffee. And no smoking. I still have a lot of the same connections; friends, if you will. But we've grown more distant. I still take photos, but less often. I still write, but that is only something I've recently picked back up. I still drink like a fish, but my tastes have changed. Instead of Shiner and Chardonnay, I almost only drink red wine now. I've become pretty obsessed with it. And along with managing the steakhouse, I'm also the wine director. So I get some good opportunities to taste things the average poor oenophile might not have the privilege to.
After my marriage ended, and honestly, partly the reason it ended; I fell hard and fast in love with a man. Rob. The past 3 1/2 years have been a giant whirlpool frenzy of pain and happiness and uncertainty eddying around the center abyss that was and still is, Rob. In my next few posts, I plan on trying to make sense of it all. To go through, in detail, what we were, how we came to be, and how we came to end. I think it will be therapeutic for me. And I don't care if it's boring to anyone else, since it seems as though, in the past almost 9 years, there isn't anybody out there.
|Sunday, January 16th, 2011|
|The Worst Thing
I was asked last night, ‘What is the worst thing you’ve ever done?’.
I couldn’t answer. I’ve done so many bad things. But really, I suppose it comes down to what the inquisitor’s idea of a ‘bad’ thing is. Is snorting coke bad? Is cheating on a test bad? Is stealing from the government bad?
I’ve done several ‘naughty’ things...that might be considered bad by some. But to most, they’re considered adventurous, exciting, daring and sexy? Threesomes, public sex, video taping myself masturbate. Are these bad things? I guess it depends on who you ask, or who you hurt.
I have fucked guys who I don’t remember their names. I have fucked two different guys within a 12 hour period. I have fucked two guys at the same time. (several times.) I’ve fucked in public bathrooms, in subways, on the front lawn, on the hood of my car, on rooftops of church parking garages, on Roman ruins, on a slide on a playground, in the kitchen of a pub....the list goes on.
I have seduced women who may or may not have wanted to be seduced. Straight women in serious relationships. Gay women who I had no interest in, that actually wanted more from me than just sex. Best friends, while my boyfriend was in the next room. Married women, who happened to be my ex’s ex. Yeah, it’s fucked up. I guess. But shit happens.
I’ve never cheated on a test. I’ve never stolen from the government. I’ve never stolen, period. I did coke..once. That’s pretty much the extent of my drug history. Pot doesn’t count. I’m a kind person. I’m giving, and I listen. And I cry at others’ pain, especially when I can do nothing to help.
So what’s the worst thing I’ve ever done? Be completely unsuccessful at love. Real love. That’s the one thing I’ll never forgive myself for. I guess it’s owed to me. To lose that one important thing. That one beautiful soul. Payback for the total slut I was in the past. Hell, I was a virgin til 21. Lost my virginity to a 17 year old. So I’m also a statutory rapist! Yay for me! But he was an abusive addict. And his parents were in the next room. They knew and didn’t care. Doesn’t that count for something?
So, I’m wondering.....what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? And am I so bad? Is anyone?
|Monday, June 10th, 2002|
|its been a while
i havent posted since MARCH! wow...its been a while. Let's see. Im still in Portland. Keith is moving back to dallas at the end of the month. Im starting an internship with a Photography Studio on Friday. Im really excited about that. www.marcusswanson.com
Im moving to a new apartment in july as well. Not much else goin on at the moment. I promise i will be back with a lengthier update soon. I've missed you guys. :) god, i have loads of journals to catch up on.
rotronix, i miss you terribly. i saw an old reply from you yesterday..made me all sad and stuff. *kiss* speak to you soon i hope.
|Monday, March 4th, 2002|
|Tuesday, February 26th, 2002|
sorry bout all the picture linking. i've gone a little camera crazy lately.
I have an idea for a photo. I was sitting at pioneer square today, (portlands' "living room" ) and people watching. All walks of like.... the protesting punks, the street preacher, the dj handing out flyers, the hacky sack kids, the television crew, the handicapped veteran, the mom and her kids, the tired businessman, the coffee drinking philosopher, the street artist, the bum silently saying please, the human statue, the policemen on horses, all of these people...I saw today. And I would love to gather them on these steps and take a family photo. To unite this group that makes portland what it is. But I don't know how to go about it. Or if I even have the balls. Any suggestions?
|Monday, February 25th, 2002|
i dont have a lot to say. i guess work is getting better. they already promoted me. i think they like me. weird. it's bittersweet. i get paid more, but i have to work more hours. and i feel like i already live at that damn place. it's such a bullshit job. but somebody's gotta sell cheaply made clothes from sweat shops in korea to little rich highschool girls, right?
on my last day off i took some pics of portland. walked around down by the river and met a couple of skaterpunks, bums and construction workers. i gave them smokes and they posed for me. even exchange i suppose. things are so dull right now. please let me have a life again soon. funny thing, i don't know who i am directing that plea towards. it's not like i thing the livejournal fairy is gonna come grant me instant social status here in portland. ahhh, 'tis life.
|Wednesday, February 13th, 2002|
I would like to introduce my newest family member, Ophelia. I miss Zoe, so I had to buy another pet. Ok, ok, she's a plant, but she's so pretty, and she doesn't shed or pee on the floor :)
|Tuesday, February 12th, 2002|
|Oh My God! Like, isn't that blouse adorable!!!!
I have never been surrounded by such incredibly uninteresting people. I am speaking of the people I now work with. Thirty girls and two boys all under the age of 23. One girl actually spent thirty minutes today informing me of her poorly groomed cuticles. This, of course, was directly after she spent fifteen minutes telling me how she pulled a muscle in her back LAST MONTH!! Not that it was ever news, but get over it already!
I hate this job more than I have ever hated anything I have ever done. For eight hours, I stood in heels, while taking clothing off plastic hangers, and rehanging them onto wooden hangers. Eight very long hours! And guess what time I was told to be there tomorrow?! Seven fucking A.M! I haven't been up that early since high school! I know I should stop complaining. I mean, at least I have a job now. But do you know how belittling it is to go from making 32,000/yr to seven bux an hour? And if that's not bad enough, being bossed around by people who aren't even old enough to drink? God, help me.
|Monday, February 11th, 2002|
Odd thing happened yesterday. I gotta a call from the clothing store, Forever 21. I had an interview with them about a month ago, for the position of "Visual Merchandiser". The ad made it sound like I would be designing and building the window and store displays, which I thought would be pretty cool. But when I went in for the interview, they said I would really just be taking care of store tidiness, and doing sales. I figured, what the hell...I need a job, no matter what it is. But I never heard back from them, til yesterday. And they called and said, "We just wanted to remind you about Orientation tomorrow".
"What? Does that mean I'm hired?" She was surprised to hear that no one had cared to inform me of that little fact. If they hadn't called, it seems I would have been hired and fired from a job, without ever knowing about it. I wonder how many times this has happened to me. Hell, for all I know, I could have had three or four jobs since I've been in Portland. Heh. Anyway, I guess I'm gonna go see what this is all about this afternoon. I keep going downhill. From Architect, Graphic Designer and Photographer to waitress, and on to Store Tidier, Life is fun.
|Thursday, February 7th, 2002|
I saw Twin Falls Idaho yesterday for the first time. Wow. One of the most beautiful movies I have seen in a long time. If you have the patience for the slow pace, I highly reccomend this movie.
|Constants aren't so constant anymore
this is going to be a long entry. today keith and i have been together for an entire year. i've been feeling out of sorts the past few weeks. i've been dealing with issues of commitment and freedom combatting with issues of fear and comfort. and of course, that great emotion we call love.
a little back ground...keith and i have known each other for 6 years. we've been through a lot together. it started with a crsuh when i met him in history of modern architecture class 6 years ago. i got mixed signals for about three weeks and then he told me he just wanted to be friends. we grew apart and over a year later we started hanging out again. i had just gotten out of the worst relationship in my life. an abusive drug addict. one night keith and i ran into each other at a bar we both frequented, and we went home together. we continued this casual sex relationship on and off for the next year. it was fun and easy. no commitment. we talked about each other's current love interests, we talk about philosophies, literature, politics, architecture...then we'd have great sex and leave each other to live our separate lives. then i got another serious boyfriend, graduated, moved to dallas, got a job, and left it all behind. we were still friends, but we never saw each other. 9 months later he moved to dallas and got a job at the same firm i worked at. here our friendship grew faster and deeper than ever. we were inseparable. we each had our string of lovers, but we were the only constants in each others lives. And a year ago, today, i had driven him home from a night of drinking. we were sitting in my car listening to OK Computer in front of his house, and he said, "Alison, we're so in love with each other." And it hit me. He was right. And thus started the great evolution of our friendship to that next level.
But he was moving to Portland in August. He made it clear to me that when he moved there he couldn't continue our relationship. He wanted to start his life over. But he would always love me. Well, I didn't accept this very well. We were perfect. And I didn't give up. As the months went by, our love grew intensly and he started dropping drunken statements that made me melt and added to my confusion, such as, "when we get married, we're gonna dance to 'you're nobody till somebody loves you' at our wedding.", or, "i don't know what the future holds, but when i think of you, i think of the little pink house and the white picket fence and it makes me happy." I felt confident with what we had. Strong enough that I didn't think the distance would destroy it after he moved. I wanted to move there with him, but I couldn't tell him that. He knew though. And he even said after he moved there, that he would like for me to live there so we could paint the town red together. And so, in November, I moved to Portland, thinking we would still be friends, but not sure of a future.
Well, three days after I get there, he comes up with the idea that we should live together. I was hesitant at first, afraid it would ruin things, but eventually accepted and now we've lived together for three months.
AND its fucking crazy! All this back and forth with my feelings. Constant guessing and hoping for 9 months and then everything happens the way I wanted it to, but now, now, I am scared.
I'm scared of getting old. I'm afraid of losing the butterflies. In fact, I already have lost most of them. I'm afraid of redundancy, mundanity, comfort. I don't even want to get married anymore. To anyone. I want thrilling first kisses and nervous hopes and sleepless nights and i want to see the beauty of the smoke filtering out of my cigarette instead of just feeling suffocated by it.
But I love him. And I am also scared of what that means. I told him all of these things last night. He understood. I think. But I still don't know what it all means. We're still together. I feel better. I just needed to get some things off my chest. And to breath again.
i don't work at kinko's. i just wanted to print something there. i think i confused a few people.
|Wednesday, February 6th, 2002|
|Kinko's Can Bite Me
A huge international corporation that says they can print anything, any size on any fucking material pretty much, does not even have Acrobat 5.0, nor do they have a single copy of Illustrator on a PC. I even offered to download the FREE upgrade of Acrobat for them, but NO. They won't let me do that. They won't even do it for themselves. And now, I'm screwed, because, in their words, "I'm too advanced. I need to slow down." Fuck Kinko's.
|back to the box
it feels good to be home again. back at the helm of my little box. it's been so long. But I'm back...and loving it. Probably a bad thing. I was up til 4 am last night on IM. But what the hell. I met two great people. I feel like I have friends again. hehe. And one of them actually lives here, so maybe I'll even get out of the HOUSE!
I made my first compilation CD the other day on my new computer. Called it "19 songs of love, loss, happiness, desperation and a few that just kick ass."
Here are the songs:
1.Sonic Bloom - Tripping Daisy
2.King of Carrot Flowers Pt. One- Neutral Milk Hotel
3. Thinking About You- Radiohead
4. For Me This Is Heaven- Jimmy Eat World
5. Roadrunner-The Modern Lovers
6. Third Planet - Modest Mouse
7. Distortions - Clinic
8. Sweet Avenue- Jets to Brazil
9. Wave of Mutilation - Pixies
10. Valentine - The Getup Kids
11. Pillars - Sunny Day Real Estate
12. Old Blue- CentroMatic
13. Pink Moon - Nick Drake
14. Crystal Lake - Grandaddy
15. Questions Concerning This - Lewis
16. Halah - Mazzy Starr
17. On and On - Longpigs
18. Crank - Catherine Wheel
19. Parachutes - Coldplay
|Saturday, February 2nd, 2002|
|Thursday, January 31st, 2002|
|small world, smaller portland
so i met the_boy_racer
at the grocery store yesterday. how random is that? i recognized his face from his user pic. he lives like a block away from me. very, very strange. cool guy!
so i was offered a job by keith's sister at some sort of teen shelter or rehab kinda thing. i'm not really sure what they do, but i know it's social work and i know it's for teenagers, which is something i've always been kinda interested in. But it's only part time and it's a receptionist job. I wouldn't mind that actually. anything is great right now. i'd just feel awkward if it didn't work out, since she's keith's sister. i have to decide by monday.
and speaking of keith's sister, man! can she talk! you can't get a word in edgewise. she's really nice, but very LOUD and well, i'll just say "assertive". I think that's the word she used to describe herself last night over drinks. Keith and I were doing our laundry and she and her husband just "dropped" in. they were kinda drunk and wanted us to go out with them. so went went to muu-muu's and next thing you know, they're sleeping on our floor. I don't know, it didn't really bother me, but it was definitely unexpected and odd.
well, i don't have much else to say right now. i'm getting cable internet on the 5th so expect more regular posts from me. i miss the lj kids!
|Friday, January 4th, 2002|
|it's been a long time...
wow, i have so many journals to catch up on. what the hell is up with this crazy font? it looks like the first computer font created. anyway, i'm back in portland after a too short trip to dallas for the holidays. and now i have to find a job. it is crucial. it is the only thing that is important. but, i just can't get off my lazy ass. it seems like every time i try i run into a complication. for example...my computer is fucked. it has my resume, my portfolio and all my work that needs to be added to my portfolio on it, and the damn thing won't even start unless it's in safe mode. and then it doesn't read half my drives. so i'm getting a new one. which means i'll probably have to start from scratch or pay a shitload of money that i don't have to carry my cpu across town via bus so some guy can retrieve my hardrive for me. WHYWHYWHY don't i ever back thgings up? you'd think after this has happened to me three times i would learn.
I'm feeling really down. Yesterday i was a complete mess. I couldn't function. I didn't know what to do. I've looked in the classifieds, i've looked online. I've walked around and applied for a few things, but there's really nothing i'm EXACTLY qualified for. I'm either over-qualified or under-qualified. I can't work at a photo processing store which is hiring counter help because i have "too much photo knowledge". What the fuck is that? But i can't get a job as a photographer cause i have "too little photo knowledge." (ie no degree). So what?? I took my first photo class when I was 13 years old. I substituted half my architecture classes in college with photo classes and since i've graduated i have sold photos to Neiman Marcus for thousands of dollars among other people. So it's not that I'm under-qualified, I just don't look good on paper. But that really doesn't matter, because there really aren't any photographer positions open anywhere. Nor are there Graphic Design positions or even architecture. I met a software engineer behind the counter of a 7-11 yesterday. And sadly enough, that comforted me.
God, I am boring when I'm jobless. I sit at home and watch shitty daytime television, clean my house, read the classifieds, and cry about having to pay $6 bux an hour to use a computer. And I just started reading Robert McLiam Wilson's first book, Ripley Bogle. What a depressing fucking book! He's an amazing writer and I highly suggest his second book, Eureka Street, but don't read Ripley Bogle if your a jobless bum like me.
SEX! DRUGS! ROCK N ROLL! there. had to put something good in to make myself feel a little more interesting. this is why i haven't been posting lately. don't want to lose all my friends out of boredom. well, i won't write again til there's something worth saying. ciao.
|Friday, December 28th, 2001|
meet me out tonite if you get this. dubliner at 8:30. it's my last night in town.
(sorry to everyone else for the not journalistic type entry...will write soon)
|Friday, December 14th, 2001|
|i'm audi 5000.
it's the last night for keith and i in the old house with the obnoxious roomate(s). really it's only one of them that is an absolute super-bitch, but she's enough to make even our last few hours here practically unbearable if she wants to. I can't wait to get all moved. the moving part is always a bitch, but once i'm there (and this place is so cool) then i will finally feel like i've accomplished something here in portland. An official Address! only thing is, i have to give away zoe. i can't believe it. i've had her for 5 years. and the place only takes cats. in fact, it is virtually impossible to find a place that allows dogs within the city limits, which is really strange since this is such a bleeding heart liberal, vegan, pet friendly town. that's is going to be hard. very hard.